After Amanda Niño talked about justice, it rocked my world. To see all those injustices so real just shook my foundation. That was week 10
That weekend we were swept into NIKO and more confusion piled on quickly. NIKO was a 4 day camp for us. But as they compared our first day run up the mountain being an exercise for us, or our night hike, or our switching camps, etc all as our exercises but reality for others hit me more. We had a shelter that last night, hot chocolate and a feast later the last day, and I was back in a comfortable bed by Monday night. But that's not everyone's reality. And the reality of refugees and others fleeing from places hit me and my heart broke for these people. I cried over their reality i still only knew a sliver of. I became angry with God for their situations and when I searched I wasn't finding answers to my questions but more doubts. In my head I hung on to the truths I knew about God but my heart was torn. Half didn't want to evangelize cause I couldn't tell them their hope of this 'loving' God that allows this suffering. But the other half wanted to tell because of what I've come out of and what I've been able to learn, but then why was I having these privileges that others didn't.
I got frustrated, confused, and questions and doubts kept coming.
I started making bad decisions to avoid the questions and doubts, my fakeness and hypocrisy. I slept through quiet times, and was a spectator in intercession times, and worship. And as I tried to write a sermon on the costs of following Jesus, I became completely overwhelmed with the sufferings and didn't see the hope or reason to endure such things for love, or how you could possibly tell others in poverty, starving, are in real HARD life situations how following Jesus would change their life if it left them in their hardship, poverty, etc.
I realized how far I was from God and how useless i was in this state. You can't minister to people about something you don't understand, and I hated not believing in my heart what I knew to be true in my head.
I started making time, and allowing God to respond and work in me. I started seeing His continual blessings throughout my doubts, and weakness. Bringing me to Brazil - the country of soccer, base next to a World Cup stadium, wonderful team, great ministries, etc.
I didn't want to reject Christianity because I didn't understand God in pain and suffering. I didn't want to keep shutting out opportunities and people because I wasn't finding answers and going into a destructive self-protection mode.
I started searching again and this is what I concluded:
God is not pleased with the condition of humanity either. The bible is God’s plan to restore his creation to perfection. The more I read, the more obvious it became with how much the state of humanity breaks his heart!
God created earth with fixed laws and placed free willed humans on it. We rebelled against the original design, which had no suffering, and brought suffering in. God allowing this world broken world to continue shows God’s mercy, not cruelty.
I was judging God solely by the world I see now and everything broken inside, forgetting God has promised judgment and restoration.
“For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it.…We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time” Romans 8:19–20, 22
I wish I had made other choices so it didn't become going through the motions, breaking rules and faking. But I can say now I've repented and I understand more about my God than ever before and I'm in love. I understand! He has revealed more of his heart to me!
These hurts are compelling me to action, and should be compelling everyone to action.
“It is not enough for us to be alerted when pain is present. It must hurt, so as to demand action.”
C. S. Lewis “God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains,” he said; “it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”